What is self-regulation?
Self-regulation is how well you manage and recover from stress.
Stress affects your feelings, thoughts and behaviours. Having good self-regulation skills means you cope with strong feelings in useful ways.
Why is self-regulation important in children?
Children know when there are problems in the family. They know these problems affect their lives even when they don’t know or understand the problem.
Children need adults to help them cope with stress and build self-regulation skills. Children with good self-regulation skills have fewer behavioural, health and mental health concerns as they get older.
What to do
Support your child
- Be loving and caring.
- Be calm and positive as best you can.
- Reassure them that their feelings (fear, anxiety, shame) are normal.
- When they are upset ask “Can I sit and cry with you and then we talk after?”
Show them you are interested in them.
- Sit so you and your child are at the same eye-level when talking with them.
- Make eye contact with your child to show you care about their feelings.
- Regularly ask them what they think about their current situation.
- Talk with your child. Ask them open ended questions, such as “How can I help you feel better?”
Reassure your child that they are an important part of the family.
- Show them that their ideas are interesting and being heard. Do this by talking about the family situation using examples that are meaningful to your child.
- Show everyone in the family that their knowledge and experiences are valued and respected. Do this by always appreciating when family members do things to help build strong relationships with one another. Tell family members that any positive steps they take to cope with the situation is being valued.
- Help your child recognize how others are helping them. Ask your child what they see others doing to help them. Point out things that they don’t mention.
Create or maintain structure to lessen your child’s stress
Your child knows what to expect when you have a routine and set clear expectations. Knowing what to expect lessens your child’s stress.
Set clear expectations.
- Be clear and consistent with what you expect from your child. Do this by sitting and talking at the same eye-level as your child while giving a consistent message.
- Prepare children for changes they may see, such as changes in appearance, mood, ability or family finances.
Keep your routines as much as possible.
- Keep a regular schedule as much as you can.
- Include familiar parts and practices of your culture and beliefs in your daily routine. Things that are familiar can comfort children when they face new challenges.
Help your child build their self-regulation skills
Help your child identify and understand their feelings.
- Ask your child to think about their feelings and actions. Help them see how their feelings affect their actions.
- Help your child reflect on how their actions affect the people around them.
- Help encourage them to talk by using props. Some examples of props can be your child’s favourite soft toy, blanket, book or any other item that they feel comfortable to hold. Your child can hold the prop while talking about their feelings, such as fear, anxiety and anger.
- Use topics they are interested in to explore their feelings. Try using “remember when” to bring up these topics. For example:
- “Remember when grandpa was sick a while ago?”
- “Remember when we took the cat to the vet?”
- “Remember when you had a very high fever?”
Make sure the story sounds similar to what they are feeling right now. Not all the topics need to relate completely to the situation, but stories can be used to teach children by example. Stories can make it easier for your child to see the connections as they grow older.
Encourage your child to practice self-regulation skills.
- Ask them how they can calm themselves when they have strong feelings. Talk with them about which ideas are the best.
- Encourage your child to make decisions, try to solve problems and use calming strategies on their own.
Get support from other trusted adults
Your child spends time with other trusted adults such as family members, trusted family friends, teachers and child care providers. These trusted adults can help your child build their self-regulation skills.
Involve family members and trusted family friends outside your home.
- Get family members and trusted family friends involved with daily activities to build strong relationships with your child.
- Tell family members and trusted family friends about what is happening. They can help your child understand what is going on.
- Ask them to watch for changes in your child’s behaviour, such as problems communicating or concentrating.
Involve teachers and child care providers. They are experts in child development.
- Tell teachers and child care providers about the cancer diagnosis. Prepare them to give the same messages you are giving your child at home.
- Tell teachers and child care providers about the coping techniques you encourage your child to use at home.
- Ask what coping techniques have worked for them. They know how to support your child’s well-being, self-expression and sense of belonging.
Find support in your community.
- Join a support or community group. Being connected to other people will help them feel less alone.
Some community groups in Toronto include Gilda’s Club of Greater Toronto, Nanny Angel Network, Wellspring, Light House, Dr. Jay Children’s Grief Centre, and Art for Cancer. - Speak with the people who run services in your community to learn what support is available to you and your family.
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